"Just call me Jennifer." or "Reflective Angles"

So, if you're wondering why July and August are bare of blog posts it's because I've been away at camp. I even chose to stay longer at camp.




This morning I went on a quick walk down to the lake. I sat not at its edge mostly because the gate was locked, but from where I sat I had a view well enough to appreciate. I don't know that I was conscious of what I was thinking- I was just thinking, praying my coughing wouldn't disturb the morning air...it did.

Like any mass of water it reflects what is around it,

from my journal today

I wondered what it would be like living in a reflection.

But then I wondered what the reflection must look like from the other side of the lake.

Then I thought, "The funny thing about reflections is that what is reflected depends entirely on the angle from which you view it."

Which would explain the innate desire to twist and manipulate images when I don't like what I see--I forget I'm viewing it at a different angle than yesterday, or a minute ago. It's still me- it's still the lake- I just happen to prefer one angle as opposed to the infinite number of other angles.




Self-reflection is key to who I am. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. I tend to be on the more obsessive end of self-reflection, but there it is- because of this I tend to forgo an observer's reflection of me. Not consciously though, I know I tend to seek out advice and criticism, and yet, I still funnel out all things I don't like to hear.

I accepted this job I have at camp without qualms, save one: "So, are you ready to join us, Jennifer?"

My prospective boss called me 'Jennifer' despite the rest of the conversation calling me 'Justine'. I considered telling him, "It's funny, my best friend's name is Jennifer," but I declined that little anecdote and replied instead, "So...my name is Justine? It is Justine."

"Oh! That- that was a test! Your name is Justine. I am ----. Justine, would you like to come work with us?"

Then I accepted and came without further qualms.

But I was told to have qualms, none of which I will list here because some worries should be kept private. Besides, most of these worries are FWP (First World Problems) which aren't generally problems in the long run anyway. But I wanted to come, needed to- I couldn't really tell you why, only that if I didn't go I would regret it.

I jumped both feet in and though I cringed on the drive down to the camp my experience since then has been, to say the least, encouraging, enlightening, and wonderful. I think all the more so because I came into it without any expectations or plans. I just kind of did it.

 

The above has been my mantra for a bit, given to me by one of my fellow counselors. I kinda, sorta (not really) apologize for the swear word.

Those words resonate with me mostly because I have been far too timid and judgmental. I have weighed balances I don't have; foreseen occurrences that never occurred.To a certain extent, I have pretended to know so many things without really knowing. Why do I do that? 

I don't want to pretend I know things. I don't want to assume I know exactly what you'll be like, or that I know exactly what will happen.

I have worked under the premise that I know nothing, but its twisted its head on me: I knew nothing and therefore knew everything. That's incredibly stupid.

I suppose before I took this job I saw only one thing: I got the job. What else is there to see? As much as I enjoy writing, I was tired of sitting around and doing nothing. One can only have so much time to oneself before one goes insane. Honestly, self-reflection can become psychotic without exterior perspective.

And thus came the newer angles from which I began to see my life.

I speak of taking risks without actually taking them.

I judge and hold onto my judgements more firmly and aggressively than I knew.

And yet, I also adapt to various situations incredibly well without coming across as high and mighty. ...knock on wood.

When did all this happen to me?

Why haven't I looked at myself from this angle yet? Where have I been hiding myself?

Who knew I could be capable of such elementary, childlike bravery?

Who knew I could laugh so loudly and well, and gain so many blessed new friends?

I ask all this and the answer couldn't be plainer, though it is very Sunday-schoolish: God.

Now, moving on! Time to see what's next!




Seriously, though, if the swear word bothers you... :P

republished.

'talk less; listen more' -FB note (31 July 2012)

distracted by my dignity

there's nothing left but misery.

so swollen with my pride

now i've nowhere left to hide.

i am terribly frightened

although i've been slightly enlightened;

not breaking barriers

and certainly not creating warriors.

just getting warier.

i'm afraid my innocence is indecent,

playing too close to ignorance

blissfully choosing mediocrity,

adding doses to my hypocrisy,

pretending to understand

making everyone believe i can.

so now i'm lying through my teeth

and feel so sorrowfully beaten.

but any pity you think you owe me

reserve for the ones who beg for it.

because now i am overstepping my limited limits

and proceeding without delay into the great, wide world--

not to correct it,

nor to restore it,

and hardly to be it,

but to watch it, learn from it and, most certainly, enjoy it

but enjoying does not mean deploying my morality.

for instead of protection inside a bubble i'll wear Otherworldly steel

to combat everything that claims to be real.

this is more than a feeling,

more than a thought.

it's the possession of a hoe: watch me as i till the earth!

feeling!

tilling!

feeling!

tilling!

i am tilling with feeling!

i am hearing with beating!

i am watching and coming!

i am learning and teaching!

i am caring and nursing!

feeling!

tilling! tilling! tilling!

i am enjoying and discerning.

planting and watering,

but not always tilling, tilling, tilling!

because this world also requires harvesting and tending!

so no distraction ought to ever sanction

my dignity's overarching plea.

my Otherworldly armor will never fail me--

for it is not just my protection 

it also serves as a weapon

against the joys that i might worship

the treasures i might covet

and the people i might murder.

feeling!

tilling!

harvesting!

tending!

O, i am being! 

i am called onward!

now i must move

away from my depression!

away from my conceit!

away from the bacteria that insists upon obscuring everything that's created me:

the Bad and the Good,

for sometimes the Bad becomes Good 

and the Good becomes Bad.

never a matter of balance--

always a matter of discernment

which leads to

dignity as a distraction, misery and pride,

of course i've no where left to hide!

because learning always requires reviews:

i pardon the lesson learned fifty times;

i do not pardon the lesson never learned.

so with steel as armor and hoe;

so with seeds as lessons and dirt as the road

thus begins the journey into Eternity.

This time last year-.

This time last year we were not friends.
This time last year we were not friends, either.
I'm glad that we changed.
I'm glad we are friends now.
Although I'm not sure how we happened.

But we happened.
This time last year-
it's not that I didn't like you;
it's not that you didn't like me,
but I was here,
and you were not.
You were there
and I was not.
Then we happened upon the same place where we laughed, cried, and tried to tell each other a few lies,
but we were quickly undone when our boundaries faltered,
crumbling heavily and loudly onto the ground.
This time last year we wanted protection-
searched everywhere within- why didn't it occur to us to look out?

This time last year we were not friends.
This time last year we did not know we could trust each other so well.
This time last year we were strangers.
This time this year I am glad we can be different together.

What We Seek.

Social justice interests me for one main reason: every social justice cause simply seeks acceptance and care; to add to that, love. 

Active or inactive in social justice, do not all people seek acceptance, care, and love? When you have heart-to-hearts with loved ones, or even strangers, they're always so afraid of rejection, because who wants to be turned away for who they think they are, or for who they might be, or for the way they get to who they are to be? 

While I have often tried to stray away from labels, I find that I am always affected by them, as if the avoidance of labels actually brings on the labels...indeed, I find that is always the case, but does that say something about the labels? No, not the "if you can't beat them, join them" mentality, but that labels, however used or misused, are still just words? We have power over words, once it goes the other way around we're afraid to talk for fear of offending someone we'll probably never talk to, or see, again. 

None of this is to say I altogether throw out discretion or politeness, but, really: do we need to take things so personally? I thought we wanted to be in control of ourselves- in control of the labels, the compliments, the criticisms; etc. 

Then you can imagine my delight when I came upon this short article: How To Tell If You're A Feminist In Two Easy Steps. Is that all? However comedic this article's intentions, how many reasons do you need to be a good person in general whether or not you label yourself 'feminist', or whatever label to which you wholeheartedly subscribe, or adamantly avoid. 

A world without acceptance, care, and love is a world that seeks justice. Truly, I can't hate any person for seeking that. I can only hope to be of some service to them. 

ALSO! Happy Month of Mozart! Listen to WQXR on the radio or online.