"Just call me Jennifer." or "Reflective Angles"

So, if you're wondering why July and August are bare of blog posts it's because I've been away at camp. I even chose to stay longer at camp.




This morning I went on a quick walk down to the lake. I sat not at its edge mostly because the gate was locked, but from where I sat I had a view well enough to appreciate. I don't know that I was conscious of what I was thinking- I was just thinking, praying my coughing wouldn't disturb the morning air...it did.

Like any mass of water it reflects what is around it,

from my journal today

I wondered what it would be like living in a reflection.

But then I wondered what the reflection must look like from the other side of the lake.

Then I thought, "The funny thing about reflections is that what is reflected depends entirely on the angle from which you view it."

Which would explain the innate desire to twist and manipulate images when I don't like what I see--I forget I'm viewing it at a different angle than yesterday, or a minute ago. It's still me- it's still the lake- I just happen to prefer one angle as opposed to the infinite number of other angles.




Self-reflection is key to who I am. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. I tend to be on the more obsessive end of self-reflection, but there it is- because of this I tend to forgo an observer's reflection of me. Not consciously though, I know I tend to seek out advice and criticism, and yet, I still funnel out all things I don't like to hear.

I accepted this job I have at camp without qualms, save one: "So, are you ready to join us, Jennifer?"

My prospective boss called me 'Jennifer' despite the rest of the conversation calling me 'Justine'. I considered telling him, "It's funny, my best friend's name is Jennifer," but I declined that little anecdote and replied instead, "So...my name is Justine? It is Justine."

"Oh! That- that was a test! Your name is Justine. I am ----. Justine, would you like to come work with us?"

Then I accepted and came without further qualms.

But I was told to have qualms, none of which I will list here because some worries should be kept private. Besides, most of these worries are FWP (First World Problems) which aren't generally problems in the long run anyway. But I wanted to come, needed to- I couldn't really tell you why, only that if I didn't go I would regret it.

I jumped both feet in and though I cringed on the drive down to the camp my experience since then has been, to say the least, encouraging, enlightening, and wonderful. I think all the more so because I came into it without any expectations or plans. I just kind of did it.

 

The above has been my mantra for a bit, given to me by one of my fellow counselors. I kinda, sorta (not really) apologize for the swear word.

Those words resonate with me mostly because I have been far too timid and judgmental. I have weighed balances I don't have; foreseen occurrences that never occurred.To a certain extent, I have pretended to know so many things without really knowing. Why do I do that? 

I don't want to pretend I know things. I don't want to assume I know exactly what you'll be like, or that I know exactly what will happen.

I have worked under the premise that I know nothing, but its twisted its head on me: I knew nothing and therefore knew everything. That's incredibly stupid.

I suppose before I took this job I saw only one thing: I got the job. What else is there to see? As much as I enjoy writing, I was tired of sitting around and doing nothing. One can only have so much time to oneself before one goes insane. Honestly, self-reflection can become psychotic without exterior perspective.

And thus came the newer angles from which I began to see my life.

I speak of taking risks without actually taking them.

I judge and hold onto my judgements more firmly and aggressively than I knew.

And yet, I also adapt to various situations incredibly well without coming across as high and mighty. ...knock on wood.

When did all this happen to me?

Why haven't I looked at myself from this angle yet? Where have I been hiding myself?

Who knew I could be capable of such elementary, childlike bravery?

Who knew I could laugh so loudly and well, and gain so many blessed new friends?

I ask all this and the answer couldn't be plainer, though it is very Sunday-schoolish: God.

Now, moving on! Time to see what's next!




Seriously, though, if the swear word bothers you... :P

Sitting Upon the Throne

When I think of my heroes, my idols, not many come to mind. I have many people I admire, many people whose traits, accomplishments and ideas I would love to mimic in order to make my own, but heroes? Those people are just...unnatural. They seem so beyond my reach. I am not a god, and I don't really aspire to be one, but all the people that would be worthy of the title 'hero' they're all gods.

I am not a god.

I'm not smart enough to be a god. I'm not physically fit enough. I'm not ambitious enough. (What else are heroes supposed to be?) Oh, I'm not that good with witty banter! Even if I did have super powers I don't even know that I'd be agile enough to want to practice them. I barely use the muscles (brain muscles, too) I have now which apparently have the potential to do awesome things!

Then I sat on the toilet.

Haha. I know. When I titled this blog post 'sitting on the throne' you probably weren't thinking of its slang definition.

So, I sat on the toilet and thought, "WAIT A SECOND!- all my heroes are human. All humans have to go potty. And if they don't go potty they're covering up their BM problem!"

If there is any time when a person is simultaneously physically and mentally vulnerable it would be when he is sitting upon the throne. I don't think I need to explain why. I hope I don't need to explain why.

I mean, think about it. All your heroes have to go to the bathroom.

Iron Man has to go to the bathroom.

The Hulk has to go to the bathroom.

Sherlock Holmes and John Watson have to go to the bathroom.

Aang had to go to the bathroom.

Do Thor and Loki have to go to the bathroom? Do actual gods have to go to the bathroom?

The Capitol forces themselves to go to the bathroom so they can just eat and drink more.

But who likes to think of heroes, or regular people for that matter, going to the bathroom? That's so nasty. And yet, we all go. What else do we all do?

What was it Watson told Sherlock? "People want to know you're human."

Because as great and different as our heroes are, they wouldn't be considered heroes if they're...followers?- couldn't relate to them. An un-relatable hero is a dictator. We don't like dictators. So, yeah, now that I know my heroes are as human as I am (except for Thor and Loki) I have to discover what they did differently from those who aren't heroes.

Oh. Heroes who often appear or give speeches full of hope, love, peace and happiness were probably without, or had at one point doubted, hope, love, peace, happiness only to have it thrust back into their faces. Heroes can be made. Heroes can be unmade. Heroes can be shy or obnoxious. They can be anyone.

'In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau's famous motto, "Anyone can cook." But I realize, only now do I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist; but a great artist can come from anywhere.' -from Disney's Ratatouille

Sit on that throne.