short.

i did not mean to see you but i did.
"will i see you again?"
that i did not ask.
i will not ask.
...unless, of course, you ask first.
third time's a charm.

STOP

Dear God,
   I don't know if you intend success and fame for me.
   You probably don't.
   I don't know I want that sort of success. I appreciate anonymity, but you'll have to forgive my daydreams. I can't always predict what I'll think next. My mind is as unbridled as my tongue. No; all the more unbridled because no one knows what I think not unless I give them permission to know.  I am the master of what I reveal, not of what I hide.
   But despite not wanting success and fame I keep hearing in my head "STOP" and I don't want to stop. What's telling me to stop, and why is it telling me to stop?
   What will happen if I stop? Who cares if I stop?
   I should.
   But if I stop...
   Stopping's not so dark as dying.
   Is stopping, to me, some sort of failure I won't be able to overcome? But I can overcome any failure, right?
   Maybe I want to make sure I'm doing something important.
   Is it weird that I don't want to be important but I only want what I do to be important? No, that's not true. I also want to be important. If I stop, I'll never know how I can be important.
   That's weird, and I'm okay with that.
   Don't let me stop, God.
   Thank you for your plans for me. I don't know what they are, but I don't care- you've got them. I'll keep going to see if the path changes or not.
   I love you, God.

illustrated Robert Frost

"The rain to the wind said,

'You push and I'll pelt.'

They so smote the garden bed

that the flowers actually knelt,

and lay lodged--though not dead.

I know how the flowers felt." -Robert Frost 

[Illustrated] Six-Word Memoir

I was looking for a writing challenge. I generally try to stay away from the autobiographical ones, but when I came across the Six-Word Memoir I had to try it: what six-word sentence would summarize my life so far? 

I wrote worry challenges me to be better and then illustrated it. 

Want to know more about the Six-Word Memoir? Click here or here or here- it'll all lead you to the same website :D 

Happy Monday! 

I'll Fly Away

Some glad morning when this life is over
I'll fly away;
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away.

I'll fly away, O glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die,
Hallelujah by and by,
I'll fly away.

When the shadows of this life have gone
I'll fly away;
Like a bird from prison bars has flown,
I'll fly away.

I'll fly away, O glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die,
Hallelujah by and by,
I'll fly away.

Just a few more weary days and then
I'll fly away.
To a land where joys shall never end,
I'll fly away.

I'll fly away, O glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die,
Hallelujah by and by,
I'll fly away.

I'll fly away, O glory,
I'll fly away.
When I die,
Hallelujah by and by,
I'll fly away.

Text and Music: Albert E. Brumley

one request

i have one request to make of you:
love everyone.
yes, dear, love everyone.
love is easy;
everyone could kill you.
love will revive.
everyone will destroy.
love everyone?
yes.
you heard me aright.
you are a part of everyone.
i tell others to love you.
with or without request
love is never insincere.
everyone might be.
bring perfection to the imperfect-
a compliment not a mockery,
and you will see that destruction and death is worth the risk of love.

lighter months.

dear God,
   so, you know how i've been worrying about the future? well, now i'm in danger of living too much in the future and not in today. which, to a certain extent, is fine. you know. you tell me to look ahead to future promises and gifts. the immediate gifts of this world are temporary. totally, i get that. i do. i should look to the future of heaven, but surely not to the point where all i do is dream. dream, yes, but also do!
   it's weird. i don't think i have anything to look forward to, you know what i mean? it's not like i have any set goals that makes me all like, "i can't wait to get there!" i don't know what makes me eagerly anticipate tomorrow. i used to be so afraid of today; of the impending evening!
   what did you do?
   it's the summer weather, isn't it? or spring weather, whatever. that's it, isn't it? new things reborn/born. things are their natural color (for the most part- save tanning salons).
   i'm sorry i deny your encouragement during the bleaker months of the year. i who enjoy all four seasons. this perhaps is an easier season for me. or i've learned what it is to be stupid and complacent during the darker months that i'd rather not do that during lighter months.
   what will i learn these lighter months? i want to learn during these months to take them with me to darker months. please.
   still, it is refreshing to have lighter months. i am no less grateful for it. i could do without nights full of tears and mornings full of panic attacks.
   but you are still Lord even then.
   you were still Lord of Nehemiah, Esther, Job, and Job's ridiculous friends.
   thank you, God. i love you.





"truly i know that it is so: but how can a man be in the right before God? / if one wished to contend with him, one could not answer him once in a thousand times." Job 9.2,3
   why should my actions dictate God's actions- that would require him to be more reactionary; more fickle. i like my gods stable. perhaps that's what God means when he says he's unchanging: he won't suddenly turn on us like Two Face. 

more minimalist than usual.

Bub

The glass floor of the submersible did not lessen my fear, but exaggerated it. The pulsing red lights weren’t help either. “Infrared lights for our underwater friends,” the captain said, “we’re invisible down here.” I sent out my mind into the abyss: I’m invisible, but can you hear me? See, I have a headache. Is there some all natural remedy down here one of you can get for me? I waited, but received no response. I know I’m invisible to you so you probably don’t believe something invisible can have a head that can ache, but I have a head, and it’s aching. I-.

Suddenly, the submersible shook because below my feet was the giant head of a squid. I waved at it despite knowing its eyes were not yet looking at me when I heard in my mind, Did I bump into you?

I looked around me: people were in a panic, but careful to move slowly and carefully, their cameras poised to take videos and pictures. Some people had sketchpads or notebooks. Other people were too afraid and watched from the suspended walkways. The captain began to announce something over the PA system; something about ‘This great monster-!’ and ‘Isn’t The --- such a marvelous submarine that it will withstand the attack of a giant squid?” Again I heard in my mind, Is it you?

I took a few steps back, away from the crowd of people to give them more space to stare, and answered, Hello. Hi.

Did I bump into you?

Uh, yes- no. I guess you bumped into me, but it’s not exactly me-. You bumped into my home.

Your what?

I smirked. My home- the place where I live.

The giant squid swirled in and out of view until it finally pressed one of its eyes to the glass. You feel funny. You’re hard like rock, but you’re not rock because you can talk, and you’re smooth like me, but hard.

It’s my home you’re feeling.

The giant squid disappeared from the view of the glass floor, making everyone moan and complain. The captain suggested everyone get back to their usual duties, but I did not. I sat at the edge of the glass floor and sent out my thought: Are you still there?

Am I still there?

So, you didn’t leave.

Leave?

You didn’t go away?

I didn’t go away?

I don’t think we understand each other.

No. What is ‘there’? What is ‘leave’? What is ‘away’ and why is it going? Where is it going?

Wow. We have a lot to talk about.

What is ‘talk’?

We’re talking now. It’s the exchange of words.

What are ‘words’?

Are you a giant squid?

What’s a ‘squid’?

Okay, fine. Um, I am Justine.

I am-. The giant squid made some incomprehensible bubbling noises.

I see.

So you have eyes!

“A lot of them,” I answered looking around the submersible’s many people, port holes, and cameras. Yes. Do you have eyes?

Yes. Where are your eyes?

Uh, can I call you ‘Bub’?

What is ‘Bub’?

Well, if I am Justine, can you be ‘Bub’?

The giant squid didn’t answer. I caught a glimpse of its tentacles swimming away. Goodbye, I thought. It did not think back, so I returned to my duties.

All Creatures of Our God and King

I promised you a song ages ago. I'm sorry I delayed. I've been...busy and freaking out.

Today, I went back to my old church to honor my father's request. I had to practice humility and grace- two things which I generally lack. But with all the churches I've visited so far (which really haven't been that many) I've learned a lot; what with the warmer weather inducing more positive, altruistic thoughts (and cuter outfits) I have had no other option.

From re-reading Nehemiah, Esther, and Job, I've recognized these three things:

1. "Perhaps I have a hard time praying to God because my prayers feel too much like a monologue instead of a dialogue."
2. People always ask, "Why is the book of Esther in the Bible?" I wonder now if they ask that because she's a woman. Her story isn't pointless. Indeed, 'for such a time as this', but she saved the Jews from another genocide. What do you mean by asking about Esther's importance? Of course a woman can be used by God.
3. The question is not if Job has done right or wrong. The question is what God intends with what appears to be a punishment. I say 'appears' because from reading Job we know that God is not slighting Job- Satan is.

Then this morning having to return to my old church- Nehemiah, Esther, and Job are three 'characters' who experienced different aspects of God's character. Each story, each book, though expressing the same God could not be more different than each other. Nehemiah rebuilds a wall. Esther becomes queen in a foreign land. Job is wonderingly punished.

And yet each of them fast and pray- listen to the advice of peers/mentors presumptuous and otherwise; and God still does what he intends with them. Their lives are so different but God knew what to do exactly in each of their lives.

God did not treat Nehemiah like Esther; nor Esther like Nehemiah; nor Job like Esther; nor Job like Nehemiah; etc. God treated each of them as his or her own person.

And today's sermon (Ephesians 1.3-11) discusses a sort of adoption that God undergoes when believers come unto him. Because historically in Roman society, if you were a slave but impressed your master, your master adopted you into his family. You became one of his children, inheriting the same rights as his biological children- perhaps more so because an adoption is him picking the child, not just- you know- popping out.

Anyway- I'll expand on this throughout this week. It's been too long. I'm sorry.

But the above is why I've chosen 'All Creatures of Our God and King' for today because all creatures are of our God and King.

Here's my song:

All creatures of our God and King,

Lift up your voice and with us sing

Alleluia! Alleluia! 

Thou burning sun with golden beam,

Thou silver moon with softer gleam,

O praise Him! O praise Him! 

Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

Thou rushing win that are so strong,

Ye clouds that sail in heaven along

O praise Him! Alleluia!

Thou rising morn, in praise rejoice

Ye lights of evening, find a voice,

O praise Him! O praise Him! 

Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

Thou flowing water, pure and clear,

Make music for Thy Lord to hear,

Alleluia! Alleluia!

Thou fire so masterful and bright,

Thou givest man both warm and light,

O praise Him! O praise Him! 

Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

And all ye men of tender heart,

Forgiving others, take your part,

O sing ye! Alleluia!

Ye who long pain and sorrow bear,

Praise God and on Him cast your care,

O praise Him! O praise Him! 

Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

Let all things their Creator bless,

And worship Him in humbleness,

O praise Him! Alleluia! 

Praise, praise the Father, praise the Son,

And praise the Spirit, Three in One,

O praise Him! O praise Him! 

Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

Text: St. Franis of Assisi; translated by William H. Draper

Music: Geistliche Kirchengesange, Colonge 1623

Not in the Eyes

For whatever reason, it wasn't his eyes that entranced me, but his touch.

It was usually the eyes. The eyes always sucked me in, like a black hole about to swallow a solar system. The eyes that would convince me to do anything to believe anything. Men could not easily bed me, but they could easily tempt thoughts, provoke ideas. Men could easily get me to say anything. Their eyes, blinking or winking, or crinkling from laughter, would undo my trickiest knots; my mind theirs to swim. I might as well have been bedded for all I revealed. 

But his eyes were different. They were lovely eyes, but they were eyes I'd seen before. The same eyes that stare thoughtlessly at nothing; the same eyes that scrutinize the tiniest details. I was familiar with his eyes though with different sockets; different minds. His eyes did not stun me. 

I wouldn't let them stun me.

But his touch subdued me. 

He hadn't meant to touch me, I'm sure. I surely didn't put myself in the way to be touched. He'd only reached over the table and his shoulder rubbed against my own. Then a friend yelled, "Picture!" and he wound his arm around my shoulders, only for a moment, and was done. 

Had there been something between us something might've changed because I only knew his name. Though I forget it now. Like his eyes, his name was lovely but familiar. 

Yesterday's dawn. 

Another night he grabbed my arm to pull me out of the way of an oncoming vehicle. 

Another day he accidentally bumped into me walking too fast behind me.

Another day he and I tried to reach for the same glass of wine.

Another day he was yelling at the top of his lungs, announcing something-or-other for all our friends to hear. He swore confetti and streamers and lights and drinks and music and dance and steak and wind. I looked him in the eye and said, "Do you pinky swear all that will be there? Just like you say?"

With one hand he took my wrist; with his other hand he swore: "I keep my word."

He strengthened his words with action, but dulled the sharpness of his eyes. The eyes I had observed with much familiarity now shrunk with mystery. Eyes I could not discern, not as stunning as his touch.

"All right," I barely answered. I wished he'd let go of me. He pulled me  closer and said over my head to the others, "Anyone else dare challenge me?! I keep my word! I keep my word, I do!"

I pushed away from him, sure of his word. Sure of his touch and now his eyes. Swayed by too much of him- had there been anything between us anything might've changed- anything did change, a change I wasn't in control of.

--- ^^ well, this is super cheesy, obscure, and something to be messed with later. 

Christ the Messiah

I hadn't realized until this morning that I forgot Christ is the Messiah. 

This morning I was worrying. Worrying. Which is something I shouldn't do anyway. It was such a tiny worry. 

You see, I'm not- fiscally well off. And today I would have to spend money to do what I wanted to do, but then I was pleasantly surprised: I spent less money than I expected. I was given gifts. 

Though when I say "gifts" I don't mean that they were wrapped or presented to me. I don't even mean to say they were intended to me as gifts. 

But God intended them as gifts to me; to say, "Stop worrying. Stop. Remember the lillies of the valley. The sparrows of the field and air." 

Then today, I was reminded why I don't need to worry: because Christ is the Messiah. 

Perhaps I should have more to say, but I don't. Even after rereading Nehemiah and Esther--rebuilding the walls and avoiding another attempt at genocide, and I worry that I don't have enough money.

Last I checked, my home is one place and no one's trying to kill me.

They did not worry. Why do I?

Scared but Thankful

Why haven't I blogged lately?

I read in an article published sometime on some website that read something like, "Do your best not to work in your bedroom. Why? Because your bedroom should be reserved just for sleeping. If you work in the same room you sleep your body could likely have a difficult time sleeping there, unable to tell if you're trying to sleep or work." But I have a problem with that because I have nowhere else to work. At least nowhere else in the house that won't bother its other occupants.

I do have a tendency to bother other occupants with my plethora of random (mostly in complete) projects. And crayons. I now have Crayola-made crayons. 64 pack, baby!

So, what have I been working on exactly?

Other than my story, I guess.

Well, I'm trying to set up an online store on Etsy!

I've wanted to do an online store for a while now and with the summer free before me, I figured, why not?

Start an online store? Check off Things To Do list! Yay!

That's why I haven't blogged lately.

Geez, I even started a tumblr: 5254jewels because extra spectacularly cool like that.

I'm also scared. Very scared.

I don't know what will come of this. But I can assure you that whatever comes I'll do my best to face it head on. How else are life's obstacles supposed to be tackled?

You see, I'm also planning on donating 10% of the proceeds to a charity. I haven't finalized anything yet, but when I do, I'll definitely let you know. Because that's my job now, to keep you updated on this newest endeavor.

However, I will keep on with the weekly thing, too. That definitely didn't live long enough to suffice an immediate death.

For now, I'm scared, but thankful for every new day.

My life is going to be like this for the rest of my life, isn't it?