"Don't mind me if I burst."

Sometimes it is exhausting, all this caring business. Sometimes I wish I didn't care for anything at all. Sometimes I wish that I could be content as a lonely, griping old miser. When I say 'sometimes', I might mean 'all the time'. In the hardest parts of my heart I want nothing to do with problems because I, frankly, just don't like them, and want them to go away.

I also wish, to a certain extent, that I could be the one that makes those problems go away. Sometimes, I think, that by acknowledging the problem and attempting to solve the problem actually makes the problem worse. Godforbid I make anyone's problems worse- that would be unbearable.

And yet, I am no prophetess. Just as we cannot estimate the strength, and therefore damage, of a typhoon, so we cannot estimate the sort and amount of help that will come to those in greatest need.

I have no immediate family that was affected by the typhoon, and I've been a first-world citizen since birth. You know, I shouldn't care...but, I do.

Sometimes it is exhausting, all this caring business. Sometimes I wish I didn't care for anything at all. Sometimes I wish that I could be content as a lonely, griping old miser. But if I am to learn anything from trite hollers of "YOLO" and "Love life" and "Just do it"- just because we trivialize the profound does not make the profound any less profound- obviously the profound is accessible to any person: first-world, second-world, third-world, 3/4-world; Mars.

So, I will care as much as I can, and then attempt to care more.

Don't mind me if I burst.

That's what supposed to happen when you care.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."- from C.S. Lewis' The Four Loves (I'm pretty sure I quote this all the time.)

“So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition of conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” –Philippians 2.1-11 

Here's some of the disaster, compliments of Al Jazeera.

And, how to help? Well, this link is a great list of NGOs, compliments of the Huffington Post, or seriously, just Google it :P Maybe even start your own fundraiser, yeah?

God bless your endeavors.

"Tonight felt like Brasil."

Tonight felt like Brasil. 

The sky looked like Brasil.

It smelt of campfires, sunburned skin and fried cheese.

But I could only hear traffic, and not even the right kind of traffic

which drives on dirt roads, or over three foot high speed bumps

that would flip over any poor driver

who preferred texting to driving.

Tonight felt like Brasil.

Now, mind you, I haven't been to Brasil for five years. I don't know if it still feels the same. It might've changed. And that was only one part of Brasil. One small, yet incredibly detailed part of Brasil that has not left me. That cannot leave me. That will not leave me. I have found home there. 

But Brasil might not have affected me if it didn't first remind me of the Philippines.

The plane landed. We got our luggage. We slid into a pickup truck; I'd never felt more at home. I was stunned: how can I feel at home when I've never before been here? How can I feel at home when I hadn't showered for seventeen hours? How can I feel at home? How can Brasil remind me the Philippines?- another home which my mind's eye can only see with blurred vision. Sitting in the pickup truck I was almost upset that I felt like I was in the Philippines? What does the Philippines have in common with Brasil?

The orange street lights. The dirt roads. The dark, sunkissed skin. The concrete walls, gated with rusted metal and protected by electrified barbed wire. The stray dogs. The street vendors. 

I haven't been to the Philippines since I was in first grade, and I hardly remember that trip. I remember the previous trip and during that trip I was barely four. 

And here I am, sitting in my room, wondering what my next destination will feel like. 

If it would care to feel like New York City or Montreal. 

Maybe one day I won't feel like a native. I'll just be a native.

truck ride- 032409

"are you ready? let's go! there's no room in the front," he said. "ride in the back."

"yes, ma'am! yes, sir!" i was hesitant no more (aHA!) here we go.

i jumped in, sat down, and smiled and laughed.

packin' ten people in.

no seatbelts, lots'a gas.

flashing cameras, bumpy roads.

starry night, flowing hair.

passing cars- so illegal!

"don't fall!" she screams.

"oh, i won't!" i gleam.

say a thankful prayer as them street lights turn on.

wave your arms around like the foreigner you are, or want to be.

hug your legs to your chest and masquerade the whole town.

move without moving, defining memories entirely worth consuming.

so daily, not productive in the least.

so daily? why not?! break down, have fun! throw your weight around!

drive through dirt roads and paved.

relax! you're in good hands, salvation’s holding your oncoming grave.

what’s that? hold up! shut up! lay down.

can’t stop. why stop? y'a got'a inhale, exhale- breathe deeply, grip quickly.

say one more plea, say one more prayer.

it's almost over, close your eyes- mm! dream a little dream! my little dearie, let go.

we're slowing down.

no seatbelts, less gas.

flashing cameras, soft grass.

starry night, frizzy hair.

parked cars, you’re safe- you've been safe. very legal.

"don't fall!" i joke.

"oh, i might!" she croaks.

"there's no room in the back," he says, "get in front, this time. no truck bed."

i laughed. "chick's lyin' dead."

"am not!" she chokes. "your sanity's most broke!"

"yes ma'am," i agree. i salute. "but i'd do it all again, most gleefully."

shall we repeat?