Dear Vincent, "Dat is het."

Dear Vincent,
   How are you? I hope you are well but something tells me otherwise.
   I just wanted to let you know I am nothing like you.
   Despite relating to your every piece of work I am not like you.
   I could never be as sad or desperate or lonely as you. I blame my sanity. I know my limits. You were always limitless.
   I could never be as brave or honest or scared as you. But I am too afraid of tragedy. Tragedy requires sacrifice, and I am too selfish to sacrifice. But I am learning from you. From what you did. You did so well. I am sorry that it is after death you are loved by more people than you can imagine!
   Would fame have given you your parents' love? What if it wouldn't've been enough?
   We're still not the same. I have my parents' love.
   You wouldn't want to switch.
   If I were you I would've succumbed.
   If you were me...I might've been better as you. As you, I would've run.
   But Vincent, u het ware.
   What relentless pursuit. I could never be as obsessed as you. Never as passionate as you. Never as scared as you.
   Vincent, you remind me not to be made null. The world's standards are fickle- I think your life is proof of that...het.
   Dat is het. You always were.
   Expect to hear from me soon, Justine.

My Greatest Fear

I am writing a story, and so far, I am loving it. I have all these ideas and they're all meshing together so wonderfully, it's like someone's writing through me! I've had this sensation before, but never for an extended period of time--no, it's not this constant high (I'm not under the influence, not illegally, at least), and it's also not made me ignore all of my other responsibilities. I am thoroughly enjoying this story and I can't wait until I'm done with it...although that may not be for another year or so.

Now, while I enjoy writing this story (it's fantasy/science fiction, by the way), and though I want to finish it...what do I do with it after I'm done?

"You publish it! Online! With a major publishing company! Or an independent publishing company!"

"Well, yeah, but...what if they hate it?"

"Who cares?! This is your work! Let your story shine!"

"No, no, no, I don't think you understand. I care a great deal if people enjoy my work. It's- it's my work. What if people don't like it? What if it just collects dust on the shelf? What if it ends up like-?"

"Like what?"

"What if it ends up like that one book?"

"What book?"

"Exactly!"

"You're being ridiculous."

"I know, it's just...I want people to like my work."

"And they will."

"How do you know? Who's they? Why do we keep talking about them? They don't really matter but they do! I mean, I envy a posthumous sort of fame but, that's my mind. Would my heart be able to work through a posthumous fame? Could I be an Emily Dickinson or a Vincent van Gogh?"

"But you're not either of them so it doesn't matter."

"You're right. You're right."

"Didn't van Gogh consider a posthumous fame? Didn't he write that down in a journal?"

"Yes! But not because he actually wanted it! He just wanted the stars and breezes. Oh, I can never be as good as him. He wanted fame neither before nor after death! What a selfless human being. How dare I want posthumous fame."

"...are you going to have your story published or not?"

Working in a book store I lay my hands on a lot of stories that won't ever be read, or, at least, read and recommended for future generations. I cannot tell you how many times I've accidentally seen my name written on the byline and shivered. What if my story is overlooked, overwrought with well-meaning but pointed criticism? Such as:  "Miss. Triunfo, though attempting to write a fantasy novel after the fashion of Tolkien, Le Guin, and Gaiman, has, instead, single-handedly murdered, with her trite tale, the very Respect the fantasy genre has had to build over decades. Any who wish to seek out fantasy literature as a prescription for under active bowel movements should read Triunfo's work, unless her work caused your under active bowel movements."

And I would say, "Is this the part where I wear white for the rest of my life? How about cutting off my ear?"

But this is just a dramatization. It is, right?