Dear Old Crushes,

Hey. How are you? I know. It has been a while since we've spoken...although, we never spoke initially so-. Oh? You've been meaning to get in touch? Just like I've been meaning to keep a hyena as a pet. No, totally, I've been researching it: hyenas are housebreakable. I googled it.

Thank you, I have been well. Do I look different? Yeah, that generally happens over time. You look different, too. Are we complimenting each other? Right, right, right. Of course.

You're all probably wondering why I've gathered you all here today. And why I refused to do this individually. I figured it would be less date-like, you know, if we met together as a group like this. Because orgies aren't an option.You can keep that to yourselves.

Basically, I want to say, I'm sorry if I ever creeped you out. My bad. I was learning. I'm not that person anymore. Oh, and I also wanted to say, I'm glad we didn't work out- no, I know, of course: you were never interested like that. No need to be defensive. I am just saying, for who I was at the time, and for whoever the hell you were at the time we were a match made in heaven. At the time, we were just what we needed. How's that? How do I know? Because we changed each other. You don't feel that much different? Trust me: you've changed but I can't speak for the profundity of the change; that's on you, broski--you are your own person. And I don't really know you, at all. I haven't seen you since I last liked you. I'm not the best person to ask about your personal development.

And, you're a human being, aren't you? Of course you've changed. That's what humans do.

Okay, so. You are dismissed. Oh, you want to stay behind for a little?

I think you may've misunderstood me: there is no future for us. No, no. See, I didn't change for you. I changed because of you. And remember, you were just a crush. And if you did have a crush on me, apparently you were too nervous or ashamed to say anything. No, I don't know that you missed a chance.

We missed nothing.

How do I know we can't be something now?

I don't, but I'm also not willing to see if we could be. And my lack of interest mixed with your mysterious intent does not a good cocktail make. I am flattered, as I should be, I know.

Seriously, you are dismissed.

Is someone else in the picture?

So, here's another thing I've learned since crushing on you: no one else needs to be in the picture for me to deny you. I have learned that I don't need a romantic interest. I am enough reason to say 'no'.

You don't care.

No, you don't need to explain yourself to me. You don't need me.

Yes, you have a nice life, too.

I do wish you the best.