DUI

Last summer I received my first ticket (only $15) because I parked against the flow of traffic. I parked against the flow of traffic because I was just so exhausted, and simultaneously understood the street to be invariably traffic-less, that I didn't bother turning my car around; I just wanted sleep! I was so tired.

Not that I was expecting a ticket the next morning, but when I first saw the ticket sticking out of my window I thought I totally deserve that, and continued eating breakfast. What else was I supposed to do? React? I only react when I think something's funny. Okay, I take that back--I do react, but usually when it's something funny. (Seriously, I have, like, the most obnoxious laugh.)

Since then I've never received another ticket. I mean, it's been less than I year, I might be speaking too soon. You know, if I may be frank, I'm surprised that my first ticket was because of a parking violation. I'm surprised it wasn't for speeding (I'm a reformed speeder), or for texting (I know! I'm a horrible person!) or eating! 

And no, I've never gotten a DUI.

I can't ever get a DUI.

Not because I couldn't possibly be susceptible to drugs or intoxicants (I'm as weak as anyone else). but because I just don't like medications in general, legal or illegal. When I was in middle school I used to pretend to swallow my allergy medication, then I would sneakily spit it out. I was too afraid to choke on it. I didn't like the idea of swallowing something I'd never chewed! What if I choked and died! In fact, I did choke on one once and it left such a horribly dramatic scar that I was so worried I'd have to take my pills chopped and dipped in peanut butter for the rest of my life! 

(Nurses do this for their elderly patients, I know this because my parents are nurses and so made me take my pills like that a few times. Trust me on this: no matter how much peanut butter is mixed with the pill you'll taste more pill than peanut.)

I also don't think I ever get sick. Especially when I am sick, I am in an impenetrable wall of denial: I AM NOT SICK.

I can take pills now, so no need to worry.

And I only partially believe I can get sick.

But anyway, I've never gotten, and cannot get a DUI. (knock on wood)

I can't ever get a DUI because the kind of DUIs of which I am guilty are not the same kind of DUIs for which people get arrested. 

My DUIs are of a more spiritual nature. (Argue all you want that snorting drugs is spiritual, hence hallucinatory, but that's besides my point.) 

I am supposed to be under God's influence, yes? Yes. As a Christian my main influence is God. In everything I do, I must consult God, allow Him to speak through me; work through me. Lately, I've allowed myself to be influenced by my own plans (which aren't that great anyway), and have allowed the world to impose it's limitations upon me. 

I seem to be obsessed with hidden potential, and obsessed with how I am much more than I appear because I will be more if I'm less now. Not because I'm all that and a bag of chips, but because King David was one a shepherd. Moses was a murder and coward. Jacob was a trickster. Lucifer was an angel. 

(So was Islington, thank you Gaiman; speaking of which, Richard Mayhew became something great in London Below, so much so that he left London Above. You and I both know how difficult it is to leave behind the familiar and comfortable for what is dangerous, exciting but fulfilling.)

All these characters, real and unreal (only Islington is unreal), show that I have the potential to become better or worse than what I am now. 

I want to be better than what I am now. 

I want no queenship. I just-. I just want to stop talking about potential and start fulfilling my potential. 

And the only way I can do that is if I'm guilty of a (forgive me) godly DUI. (I am murdering all good and decent colloquialisms today!) It doesn't matter if I read my Bible daily if I don't practice what I'm learning. I know, I know. I've heard this before. You've heard this before. But the amount of hearing such truths makes them no less truthful. Redundant, but never less truthful.

So this morning I've learned (again) that I really need to step up my prayer life. Again, and again, I need to be reminded that if I want to be as great as I hope to be I need to believe on something greater, outside of myself. Even Richard Mayhew didn't know where he got such courage to kill the Great Beast of London, and he's hardly under godly influence. How much more should I, could I, be if I've got God on my side?

But truly God has listened;
he has attended to the voice of my prayer.
Blessed be God,
because he has not rejected my prayer
or removed his steadfast love from me.